Unreal
My cousin has cancer. In the advanced stages. I don’t know if writing about this would make me feel any better, but I’ll try. She was diagnosed barely 2 weeks after my wedding, and we were already back in the States. Mom updates me on our weekly phone conversation on her progress - what treatments they are giving her, etc. I’m sitting here, 10,000 miles away, feeling so helpless.
First, I just can’t believe that she’s sick. The last time I saw her she didn’t look sick at all. I guess I would never believe until I see her face to face, or its probably the mind’s way of avoiding reality so the heart doesn’t get hurt. One part of me, the optimistic part, believes that she’ll get better, but the other part, the one that seeks a reason for everything, tells the other part to just face the facts. I don’t know who’s right.
Second, the physical distance between us makes it difficult for me to feel anything more than anxiousness, and nervousness. But it’s harder now to think happy thoughts and be cheerful, to get excited about things, knowing that somewhere, my cousin is in pain. Sometimes I just stare blankly at nothing, but the conversations in my head just go on and on, mostly questions on what’s going to happen to her, where do we all go when we die, is there really a heaven, or do we just rot and become …. nothing…
Mom’s really sad about my cousin. I could hear it in her voice for the last two weeks - she’s trying to talk objectively, avoiding questions that are too emotional, like “is she getting better”, “what did the doctor say?”, I don’t want to press on as I don’t want her to cry. I try to talk more lightheartedly. Now I know how difficult it is for one to grief when he/she is helping another one overcome grief. We just all need to be strong for each other.
If you believe in a God, any God, please pray for my cousin, include her in your daily prayers … for a miracle.
Thank you.